ai_qing

.

2008-06-05T23:33:50Z

i miss you </3 sigh*

你最近還好嗎.?

2008-06-05T23:30:09Z

挑一張耶誕卡寫上滿滿祝福的話
地址寫的是心底
你能不能收到它
天有點冷
風有點大
城市寧靜而喧嘩
這一個冬天我得一個人走回家

問自己習慣了嗎
沒有你每到夜裏回聲變得好大
有沒有什麼好方法
讓寂寞更聽話

你最近還好嗎
是不是也在思念裏掙扎
你說會記得我還記得嗎
你最近還好嗎
忙碌嗎累嗎心還會痛嗎
如果真不得已忘了我
快向快樂出發

有再多的牽挂都已沒有權利表達
舊情人給的問候比陌生人還尷尬
昨天遠了
明天還長
回憶模糊但巨大
這樣的深夜眼淚要怎樣不流下

問自己習慣了嗎
沒有你每到夜裏回聲變得好大
有沒有什麼好方法
讓寂寞更聽話

你最近還好嗎
是不是也在思念裏掙扎
你說會記得我還記得嗎
你最近還好嗎
忙碌嗎累嗎心還會痛嗎
如果真不得已忘了我
快向快樂出發

你最近還好嗎
是不是也在思念裏掙扎
你說會記得我還記得嗎
你最近還好嗎
忙碌嗎累嗎心還會痛嗎
如果真不得已忘了我
快向快樂出發

.

2008-04-15T15:07:48Z

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
I'm hearin what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothin new - yeah yeah
I loved you with a fire red-
Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late

outside looking in-2k7

2008-03-25T01:17:41Z

(8)
from a distance i can see your pain,
why do you stand so far away?
i can tell that what you feel,
its hard to say, shouldnt be that way
you dont know what its like to be with you...
and be left out,
why can't i ever see inside?
and see your pain,
and see your lies,
let me make it better,
thought we were in this together,
and let me make you stronger,
you're not alone now...

come to me,
run to me,
im all you need,
you dont have to run away,
ill be your shelter,
talk to me,
all you need,
is me,
i dont wanna be on the outside looking in...
so close but so far away,
outside looking in,
i want to fix you,
but your out of my reach,
talk to me,
all you need,
is me

to see your hurt, is hurting me,
i want so bad, to see you smile,
but i dont know if i can watch,
you hurting while, i just stand by,
your so strong, you carry on,
with a heavy heart,
it tears me apart,
and let me make it better,
baby its me,
thought we were in this together
and let me make you stronger,

the seperation makes it hard,
i wish, you'd just let down your guard,
i dont want to be this far apart,
and let me make it better,
thought we were in this together,
and let me make you stronger,
your not alone,
your not alone...

===
and without you...
these days seem so slow,
you don't update your lj no more,
so i guess, i dunno what's going on in your life,
so if it's not to much to ask...
how have you been?

ai_qing @ 2008-03-21T15:57:00

2008-03-21T20:20:19Z

since xanga fucked me up, im too lazy to create a new one...
so haven't been writing alot...

facebook is so addicting >__<"
i need to get a life...

SO I DIDN"T KNOW UNTIL NOW, HOW FUCKING MUCH STAR FUCKING BULLSHTIED ABOUT ME, THIS GURL IS FREAKING FUCKED UP IN TEH HEAD IN SO MANY FUCKING WAYS...hollshit

wat she SAID:

-cg PROPOSED TO ME (WTF i wouldnt even if she was the last person on earth)
-TINA, YESSi, NICOLE, JOY, ALL KNOW ABOUT THIS WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
-im not surprised if she told teh whole fucking fucked up world
-CG LOVED ME SO MUCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
oh god, someone throw a fucking knife at her face/head...
-cg wrote poems for me
-CG KISSED ME (fuck no)
-CG FOLDED HEARTS FOR ME (THEY WERE FOR JOY, long story)
-hmm letsseee i swear tehre was AT LEAST 20 things she bullshited about but im too pissed off to remember.

-AND THE whole fucking time, i felt sorry for her sad ass...taht she was hurt, but btiches are bitches, they dont learn

and also

she said:
-ILL NEVER LET U AND JOY LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER (wtf)
-ill kill you
-ill hurt joy

she has no fucking idea wat pain is...
im gonna kill her, if not physicaly, then emotionally

---
first im gonna take joy away from her, and if shes gonna get back with tina
ill tell tina everything
---
---
---

and she likes joy, when joys completetly straight, and she doesnt get teh fucking HINT
fuckoff
she doesnt even realize how much joy hates her...its kinda sad..
but joys a really really nice gurl

so i feel like a bitch cuhz im basically doing wat shes done
but i cant take this shit anymore

she needs to get a fucking clue of how much of a bitch she is.
---

SO YOU DIDINT PICK UP UR CELLLLLLLLLLLL
osuosuosu...;_____________;
lydia talks JUS like u on msn, im scared
and she still thinks ima guy =) im good at convincing her
---

somehow these lyrics really got to me

(Can't stop thinking about you. Why can't I get over you.
When will you & I finally, fade away.)

Just when I'm feeling like I'm finally over us,
That's when it starts to rain.
No matter what feeling comes to me (it can never fades away)
And so I tell myself that I would never run and not be afraid to love.
Thats when you cross my mind (Never fade away)

And I know that we can never never never be in love.
And I know that there's a better person for me now.
And I'm trying trying everything so I can let it go (woah)
But all these things I'm feeling, never fade away.

Now I gotta do what's best for me.
Whatever we had could never be.
Somehow when things are missing, we'll never fade away.
Whatever will be is meant to be.
And you've given me nothing to believe.
Somehow the love that I gave you will never fade away.

(Can't stop thinking about you. Why can't I get over you.
When will you & I finally, fade away.)

It's better off to not try and think of you or even say your name.
What was the use of trying to change (never fade away)
Cause even i fool myself another day.
Soon as I fall asleep.
Thoughts of you would be in my dreams (never fade away)

And I know that we can never never never be in love.
And I know that there's a better person for me now.
And I'm trying trying everything so I can let it go (woah)
But all these things I'm feeling, never fade away.

Now I gotta do what's best for me.
Whatever we had could never be.
Somehow when things are missing, we'll never fade away.
Whatever will be is meant to be.
And you've give me nothing to believe.
Somehow the love that I gave you will never fade away.

Now I gotta face the fact that it's over now.
And I'm trying so hard to go on but I don't know how.
I feel like it's out of my hands, nothing I can do.
Maybe I'll never ever get over you.

Now I gotta do what's best for me.
Whatever we had could never be.
Somehow when things are missing, we'll never fade away.
Whatever will be is meant to be.
And you've give me nothing to believe.
Somehow the love that I gave you will never fade away.

= = =

ai_qing @ 2008-03-12T05:17:00

2008-03-12T09:18:19Z

illllllllll proly yyyyy read this and be like wtf was i smoking but i dunnnnnnnnnnnowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
dont somebody saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave mE?
wheres anyone when i neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed it

ai_qing @ 2008-03-12T05:17:00

2008-03-12T09:17:40Z

maybe i shud sto p
but if i do
ill have time to think
and thinking means

fucking
pain

ai_qing @ 2008-03-12T05:16:00

2008-03-12T09:17:10Z

i DOT FUCKING CARE ABT THIS LIFE
I CAN DIE RITE NOW
I DONT CARE
I JUST

WANNANA SEE HER FUCK

ai_qing @ 2008-03-12T05:16:00

2008-03-12T09:16:38Z

i really mis s herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
its to the point whre
like
im
fuck
i wanna be sober

ai_qing @ 2008-03-12T05:14:00

2008-03-12T09:16:11Z

HUH
but ill be musicless.......ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhw//////////////////////////////////eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
yanno at times like this
i just wanna sleep and never wake up
and somehow
some fucking how
every single fucking morningi wake up
srysly
and then i havta deal with alllllltheis fucjugng shit form paretns
who like
wants to live my life for me
its s fucked up
im not who they wan me to be
andiim not gunna be that person
..........................................sigh*
i wish jer was here
shed understand

rite jer?

ai_qing @ 2008-03-12T05:13:00

2008-03-12T09:14:12Z

idunno
i dont nwanna lie on my bedandthinkg abt things
id ont FUCKING WANNA THINK ABT
and holy shit
im just tryingto stall time

OHillsleeeeeeeeep in mah basment today
yay

ai_qing @ 2008-03-12T05:13:00

2008-03-12T09:13:32Z

idonthtinkanyone
really cares
abt how i feel
so i shoudlnt either
so wat if im...like fucking....................fuckedup
my life isnt even that bad

just wait
until

i die

ai_qing @ 2008-03-12T05:12:00

2008-03-12T09:12:49Z

its pink outside
cuhz it snowed
istill love teh snow
i would go and run anddie in it
but i gotta see jer tmr
k

ai_qing @ 2008-03-12T05:11:00

2008-03-12T09:12:09Z

yannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
idont think ill sleeeeeeeeeeeptoday
but i gotta meet jer tmrrrrr
ill be like sleeeeeeping thru themovie
heh
nonames a bitch
bleh

sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepless

2008-03-12T09:10:29Z

since i cant sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep...
i willlllllll RANT ON HERE
idunno how to use the stupid tags
wat a retarded feature
my dadll be awake in an hour or so.............
so idontthink i should stay for long
but ugh..
okay
so
my rant
ihatemylife
aha almost typed ihateyou
anyways
my family
needs to..........LIKE DIE
my memories neeeeeeds to die
everything ihate..needs to die
but too bad no one ever litens to my neeeeeeeeeeeeeds
blah
its 509....................fuck
ihate
hate
hate
hate

hate
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HER

im tired
so i shud goto slepppppppppppp

BUT THE COMPUER IS LIKE ASKING ME TO STAY
ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhT______________T
imgoonna go insane
or crazy
just dont think
yea
eveyrthingll be fine
rite?

cuhz im bored XP

2008-03-12T09:04:15Z

ai_qing @ 2008-03-04T20:07:00

2008-03-05T01:07:47Z

=( get better soon please <3

ai_qing @ 2008-02-27T21:39:00

2008-02-28T02:52:28Z

im sorry, i love you

confused...

2008-02-25T15:51:36Z

i don't know what to do.
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
---
sorry

icouldnt sleep

2008-02-21T15:33:05Z

so i wentto bed at 12
and couldnt sleep for an hour
woke up and drew...for another hour
and read for like another hour?
and then it was like 3 ish
AND I STILL COULDNT SLEEP
so i was awake, and constantly waking up
and then it was like 5?
and i was possitive i dint sleep
and then SOMEHOW
it was time to get up
wtf is wrong with me
i srysly need sleeping pills
...
---
my mom told me this:
you love others because you love yourself
so you want then to meet your desire and your needs,
because you love yourself.
to love someone more than yourself,
means that when you do things, you think of them before you,
you but your own desires behind, and think for them,
you care for them, you give to them
wihtout wanting or expecting anything back.
but unconditional human love is impossible.
so god tries to teach us to love eachother
by giving us partners that are different from us
(her & my dad for example)
---
but isnt what she said so true?
---
so i should try to love you for who you are,
and accept you for who you are,
not what i want you to be
sry for being selfish hunnie :(

my dream

2008-02-18T23:17:56Z

i had a dream yesturday...
and u guess it, u were in it.
so there was this big festival?
i forget and after eveyrone was leaving
so i wentto to find ray&rennie and asked wat they were doing
they said they were going to stc
so i was like can i come?
and they were like sure
but then i remembered i had to find joy
T___T like i always do
and then i wento our locker
and no one was there
and it was empty
so she must've left.
and then i was like
oh where could she be
and ren was like "ohhhhhhhhhhh, she must be finding you rite now, she would never leave you"
and i was thinking, joy's more...mean =_=' than she thinks.
---
idunno
i was really sad/depressed in the dream
cuhz u actually left me,
i never thought that,
if anything i'd be the first to leave,
and it makes me think
how much id never want that to happen
T______________T"
iunno y im so insecure like this
i just really really dont want u to leave i guess.

---
its called delaying the inevitable
sooner or later
rite.?

---
I MISS YOU
COME HOME.....................................
>O<
i cant wait till we're married
so we can see eachother everyday
cg grow up plz

ai_qing @ 2008-02-17T15:53:00

2008-02-17T20:56:36Z

i wish...
we would run away to a place,
where nobody knew us,
where nobody judged,
where we could live together peacefully,
where we could see eachother everyday,
where we didn't have to worry about anything else.
i wish dreams could true,
i wish we could be together forever.
i wish i wish i wish
for all that things that i can't have.

its kinda sad

2008-02-17T20:49:53Z

cuhz u & i will have no future...FOR SURE
cuhz ur mom loves RAIN so much more...
and my parents...don't really like you too much.
---
so its like a sad love story
which will end in tears or death
---
---
---
SO LIKE...
my parents are like.............
consolling me and shit
---
after seeing my report card, and bitching at me
U MISSED THISTHISTHIS MANY DAYS OF SCHOOL
UR LATE FOR THISTHISHTISHIH MANY CLASSES
UR THIS UR THAT
U CANT DO THIS
UR BAD AT THAT.........
T____________T"

my mom srysly cant do math
she thinks missing 8 days of school all added up together is a monthh
WTF DO THEY GET THESE MORALS.....................>_>
-
-
-
i just got my tablet and i was in a happy mood
and just when i was starting to use it
my dad starts bitching
he takes out all the things i've written before
things i write after each semester
like a reflection.
and then hes like
"for the past 1 and a half year, ur average have slipped 20%, U STARTED TO SKIP SCHOOl, NOT GOTO CLASS, AND LATE< WTF ARE U THINKING ABOUT IN CLASS? U ALMOST FAILED A GRADE.........nfowianfwn
vlahblahblah.............U SAY ULL TRY, BUT U NEVER DO, DO U THINK I CAN BELIEVE UR WORDS ANYMORE< DO U THINK I CAN HAVE TRUST IN YOU, ITS UR FUTURE
BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHblahblah"

so im jus sitting tehre and listening for a few hours.
not saying anythin
and hes like
"so tell me, WHAT HAS AFFECTED YOU SO MUCH TO THE POINT WHERE UD LIE TO UR PARENTS, WANT TO SKIP CLASS, NOT HOME EARLY, HUH WHAT CAN AFFECT U SO MUCH."

me-everything........
DAD: DONT FUCKING SAY THAT< IF U CANT EVEN TELL ME THE TRUTH, STOP LYING TO URSELF< WATS THE SOURCE OF ALL THESE THINGS..................

--
and then SOMEHOW EVERYSINGLE TIME WE FUCKING TALK IT ALWAYS TURNS TO
"joy.........................................................."

dad: so wat kinda person is joy?
me:...
dad: wat do u like about her?
me:...
dad: wat has she done to attract you?
me:...
dad: ANSWER ME...
me:...sobbing*..she's nice?
dad: NICE??!?!?! NICE!??!?! (!^$#*$^!(^$!($%&!%$*&%*!$&%$*!%
me: she's honest, she cares about me...
dad: she's grade 11, u guys have no classes together, wat do u guys have in common, what do u guys have to talk about
me:...things
dad: like wat
me: like things
dad: and u said she can take care of you? how has she taken care of you (WTF I DUNNOW HOW HE GOT THAT FROM)and most of all........what have u contributed in her life?
me:nothing.
dad: what has she done for u????
me: she made me happy
or soemthing like that

ADN SO THE POINTLESS CONVERSATION DRAGGED ON FOR DECADES
dad: its not good for u cg....blahblahbla

---------
so we talked for hours and hours, about all the things i've done blah blah blah

dad: CG DO U HAVE A BOYFRIEND?
me: no i have a girlfrned JAYKAY..........i said no
dad: THEN I DONT GET IT< WAT IS IT THATS AFFECTING U< WAT DO SOMEONE UR AGE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT OTEHR THAN SCHOOL OBWOFBWOBGFOWBGBGF@AG(*HT!*)%)@

dad: wats ur relationship with joy?
me: frnds
dad: WAT KIND OF FRIENDS?
me: close frnds
dad: I DONT THINK SO, SHES NOT LIKE YOU, do u think shes as stupid as you? she doesnt screw up her grade or w/e

OMG OKAY FIRST THEYRE LIKE JOY IS BAD, AND THEN THEYRE LIKE AT LEAST JOY IS DOING WELL IN SCHOOL...

and then somehow
i said something reallllllllllly stupid...............................................................................................................................

cuhz like i couldnt just ignore him, so i said
"i guess to me, joy is like my boyfriend'

AND I SOOOOOOOO REGRET SAYING IT OMGGGGGGGG
>_____________>

AND THEN
HE SCREAMED "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT THE FUCK DID U SAY"
something like that in mando...

and then silence
dad: OHOHOH I GET ITTTTTTTTTTT OHHHHHHHHH I SEEEEEEEEE NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW why w0ould u think that? its wrong blahblahbla

..........
..........
so then after that me n my dad talked about switching schools

dad: so dats why u wanted to goto bethune?"
me: yea...............
dad: but u cant, from where we live we cant

so we either move, or goto another skool & im not going to campell.
-------------------

or stay in cyber..............and yeas.

-
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-
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-
-
-
-
-
-

i dont know why my parents think its ur fault
when im the one doing it
altho theyre trying to help me,
they dont understand.
T________________________________T;;
its my fualt for everything
for screwing up
or else, we'd be allowed to see eachother and everything
if we were just frnds
then none of this would've happened
and if i was more considerate about their feelings
NONE OF THIS WOULDVE HAPPENED
BUT IM JUST A FUCKING DUMBASS THAT CANT DO ANYTHING RIGHT
i dont know
its really pissing me off
i know they dont trust me
they dont have hopes for me
they cant even believe in me

but why cant they believe in me when i say i WANNA TRY
i raelly raeally do
its not like i havent changed a little
ever since.

im trying, but everytime they break down that confidence
and the reason im afraid to try, is cuhz theyre always saying im failing blahblah blah

so how do i believe in myself
when nobody does

its like saying yes when the whole worlds saying no.
and i know i cant win against the whole world.
---

dats why i wanted to breakup with you
but i know even if i do, ill still miss you a lot
and itll be even harder for me
so its hard for me to come clean
and be honest
when i want both things,
and i know wat to do,
but i just dont wantto do it.

---
i just wish loving you wasnt wrong,
because in everyone's eyes, it is
and even gods'.

i really wish i were a guy.
---

and so i really dont know what to do.
-
so how to deal

...

2008-02-16T19:43:47Z

lets just say school ends on june 26, from today to then i have
135 days
weekend & march break=42 days
---
so i have 93 days left.
93 days
93 days
93 days
93 days
93 days
93 days
93 days
93 days
93 days
93 days
93 days
---
i'll visit from time to time
---
and then ull graduate
so ill see u
in about 2-3 yrs.
so dont forget what you said to me
---

ai_qing @ 2008-02-14T15:04:00

2008-02-14T20:08:32Z

Love is patient and kind;
i'm always impatient, i hate waiting,
and my kindness is turning into hate

it is not jealous or conceited or proud;
i'm always jealous, even over the little-est things
i don't even have enough to be proud

love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable;
i'm always abusing you
always selfish,
always want the things that benefit me,
want everything to myself,
i get irritated more than anything

love does not keep a record of wrongs;
its hard to forget & forgive everything

love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth.
seems like i always cant tell you the truth,
and whats really on my mind,
i cant tell you the truth and everything

Love never gives up;
i've given up so many times

and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.
i had too much hope and now its all dissapointment

Love is eternal.
my feelings are fading so fast,
i dont even know what a eternity would mean?
i don't even have enough hope for an eternity

---
i don't even know if it's love,
because i just feel that everything
is fading